[Article] A lie or imagination

About children: A lie or imagination - the psychology of raising a child

By vox vocis
You were convinced that you found an ideal secret hiding place for candies and you were about to take the daily dose for your little chocolate ''exterminator''. Surprisingly, the supplies are missing and you find out that they were given to a hungry cat because your kid felt sorry for the poor animal.

While the kid is telling you the detailed story of what happened, you are looking at ''proof'' tainted all over his face and clothes, and you are surprised because the child lies with so much self-confidence, without a blink of an eye. Don't despair, because all children experiment by twisting the truth. The more intelligent the child, the greater the number of invented stories. The severity of a lie depends on the motive behind the untruth, the age of the child and the rules of behaviour you set in terms of family.

Children start inventing things ever since the age of two, and in the fifth year of life, their imagination is so intensive that they sometimes cannot differentiate reality from fantasy. Sometimes, twisting the truth is the result of hidden desires, therefore, if your four-year-old child brings a toy from kindergarten, saying that the governess approved of it, don't proclaim the child a liar because the kid convinced himself that it actually happened, and all out of a burning desire to have that particular toy.

Many times children lie to stay out of trouble. The worst thing in a situation like this, is to punish your child, to lecture him or to accuse him of lying, which can deepen the fear and motivate the child to invent even more incredible stories. On the other hand, if you don't react in time and you ''close your eyes'' in front of tiny little untruths, there is a great danger that lying later in life, becomes a habit. Start explaining to your child in due time, that even when he or she wants something really, really bad (whether it's visiting Spiderman or going to Disneyland), it cannot always become a reality.

When telling a story to your child, make sure you emphasize the difference between reality and the events in the story, but pay attention not to soffocate the child's imagination as it is a great teacher, just to justify the fact of not writing his or her homework. The child can tell you it drove basis for developing creativity.

Around the age of six, children realize that lying is bad, but this doesn't stop them to use untruth in order to solve a problem or avoid a punsihment. In this life period, the child plans and enriches its repertoire of false excuses, and it will try to ''sell'' the story about being ill to the a bike ''a hundred miles an hour'' to prove himself or to raise self-esteem between its coevals.

White lies

In order to guide the little Pinochio to the truth, you will make an example by always keeping your promises and you will never lie.

''White lies'' are untruths said in order to avoid hurting somebody or to protect oneself. When you are teaching your child to be truly honest, make sure to explain that it isn't nice to say ''Oh, your face is so wrinkled!'' to grandma or ''You're so fat!'' to the nice lady selling ice-cream, or to turn off an invitation from a friend by saying: ''You're boring, and I won't come cause I don't like you.'' You can practice games together by ''play pretending'' in which the child can learn what to say in a given situation.

Text written and partly translated from an article by doctor P.R. in The People's Health Magazine issued in 2009: Rijeka, No. 598-599.

Article taken from

http://vox-vocis.hubpages.com/hub/A-lie-or-imagination-the-psychology-of-raising-children

Imaginary friends (Part 3) : Pretend Play

Pretend play is vital to children’s development. Imaginary friends are an extension of pretend play, which is a normal, healthy, important part of a young child’s development. Pretend play gives children a chance to learn about roles, relationships, power, and control. Pretend play also gives children a chance to work through the multitude of feelings they experience daily. Because adults make most of the decisions about children’s lives, children are always looking for ways to gain some control and to deal with their feelings of helplessness.

When a child goes to the doctor, she doesn’t get to decide to go, if she is going to get a shot, an examination , or medicine. When she comes home and "becomes" the doctor, she is in charge of the decisions and can give her imaginary friend as many shots as she wants. She and her imaginary friend could even devise a way to escape the doctor’s office altogether. Children often use pretend play to become the person in charge.

A child who resists naps and nighttime routines may spend all day putting his teddy down for a nap. These imaginary play outlets help children learn to cope with their lives.

Read more at

http://www.ivillage.com/should-you-worry-about-your-childs-imaginary-friend/6-n-146009

Imaginary friends (Part 2)

Sarah's imaginary friends have increased over time. She doesn't just have 2-3 friends as mentioned in my earlier post, but many of them. Each time, when asked who was the friend, a new name will be mentioned. "Atta", "Anna", "Alla", etc... and she said they are "Malay" friends, cuz she does hear those names from her kor-kor Ivan. So, they automatically became her friends as well... :)

Sometimes, she would say that her "friend" doesn't want milk, when in fact she herself doesn't want milk. I found the below article very true, specifically this statement: "Sometimes children can use their imaginary friends to avoid doing something they don't want to."

The article is taken from http://www.cyh.com/HealthTopics/HealthTopicDetails.aspx?p=114&np=122&id=1979

Imaginary friends

Contents

• What do imaginary friends do?
• Are imaginary friends a problem?
• What you can do

It is quite common for children of about three or four years of age to have an imaginary friend. This may be another child or could be a magical person or an animal. Sometimes the imaginary friends change as the child grows older.

Often children who have imaginary friends are only children, or oldest children in the family; but having an imaginary friend does not mean that your child is lonely. They are usually creative, imaginative children.

As the child grows older the real world takes over and by the time the child is going to school the imaginary friend usually just quietly disappears.

What do imaginary friends do?

Imaginary friends can be helping your child in different ways.

• As playmates providing companionship.
• They allow the child to play creative games and try out different ways of doing things.
• They are a way for children to practice getting on with others.
• They are a way for the child to safely test out different actions and feelings, eg fear or anger.
• They allow the child to be in charge and control someone else at a time in her life when most people seem to be controlling her.
• They allow children to have a private life that adults are not part of.
• They can help children to deal with strong feelings such as fears or anger, by having a fearful friend or being angry with their friend. ,
• They can help children if things in their lives are stressful. For example a child who is always cross with her friend may be in a situation where she feels that the adults in her life are always cross with her.
• Children who are very "good" may have a friend who is very "naughty" and does some of the things the child would perhaps like to do.
• They can help children avoid getting into trouble with parents because when some thing is wrong "the friend did it".

Are imaginary friends a problem?

Imaginary friends are a part of normal development and rather than being a problem they can help children to deal with some of the stresses in their lives.

Sometimes an imaginary friend can help parents to see where a problem is.

• For example if the imaginary friend is afraid of the dark it is likely that the child is afraid of the dark and learning to manage her fears through the friend.
• If the friend is always misbehaving and getting into trouble it may be that the child is having too may rules or punishments.

Sometimes children can use their imaginary friends to avoid doing something they don't want to.

• If this happens a lot, parents need to treat the imaginary friend in the same way as the child, eg "Mrs Rabbit might say you don't have to go to bed, but I am your mum and it is bedtime. Mrs Rabbit can come if you like".

If your child plays happily with others and enjoys doing things with you and other children there is not likely to be any problem. If the child continues to choose the friend very often rather than doing things in the real world it is helpful to have a look at what is going on in his life and think about ways to help him enjoy doing real things as well.

What you can do

Here are some ways you can respond to your child's imaginary friend.

• Let your child take the lead in how you respond. If it is a private relationship and the child wants you to stay out of it follow that lead. If you are asked to join in the play then do so. Usually you will be asked to make room for the friend in different ways such as providing a seat in the car, not sitting on the friend in a chair and maybe providing things like a cup or plate for the friend.
• While accepting the way your child wants you to act towards the friend it is helpful if you don't get too involved and take over or add your own ideas to the story. It helps your child to work out what is real and what isn't if you stay grounded in the real world most of the time and if you take over or add to the story you are taking from your child's need to create her own story.
• If the friend is always to blame when the child does something wrong it will be helpful to take it out of a "blame" situation. For example if the child says his magic bunny spilt the milk you could say that mistakes are to learn from and that you will help him to clean up the mess for the bunny.
• As your child gets older try to provide lots of enjoyable experiences with real children and real things so the friend will gradually not be as interesting or attractive as the real world, and will disappear.
• Remember that being three or four years old in an expanding world can be scary and that by having a friend to help him through this time your child is being both resourceful and creative.
• If you feel that your child is shy or does not relate easily to others see the topic 'Shyness'.

Imaginary friends

In our conversations every now and then, lil Sarah would sometimes include her "friends" in. She has 2 sets of friends... the real ones (Cheh-cheh Ashley & Andrea) and the imaginary ones (Careful Carol & Neat Nadia). I guess it all depends on her mood at that time which friends she refers to when we have conversations about "friends".

"Careful Carol" & "Neat Nadia" - these are 2 of Sarah's books which also became her "imaginary friends"!

Sarah loves these 2 books and sometimes I don't mind reading it to her over and over (as she requests) because they are good books teaching some great values in life. She likes being careful and neat, and if she forgets doing what she is supposed to do, some simple reminders of her friends are given and she knows what to do already.

So, sometimes imaginary friends are helpful to instill good habits! While we are at this topic, I decided to google search about it and found this article:

Australian researchers say having an imaginary friend can help a child learn.

According psychologist, Dr. Evan Kidd at Melbourne's La Trobe University, children with imaginary friends are better at learning to communicate than other children because they have a lot of practice at inventing interactions with their friends, which helps them improve their conversational skills.

Dr. Kidd and his colleague Anna Roby explored the hidden world of imaginary companions in a study which involved 44 children, 22 of which had imaginary friends in an attempt to understand the benefits.

The study found that the 22 children who had imaginary friends were better able to get their point across than were children of the same age who did not have an imaginary friend - Dr. Kidd says these children are in charge of both sides of the conversation so have a lot of practice at inventing interactions between their imaginary friends and themselves and this is what facilitates the development of their conversational skills.

The researchers also discovered that children with an invisible friend or personified toy had a better social understanding, were generally first born or only children and were very creative.

Dr. Kidd says all the children with imaginary friends were very creative and treated these imaginary 'friends' as real, played with them throughout the day and referred to them in conversation - one child reported having a companion named Sarah, who had a pet dragon while another enjoyed a friendship with an imaginary family, Mr and Mrs Driller who had two children - another child had an imaginary tomato called 'Bodder' and a potato called 'Bun.

Dr. Kidd says the phenomenon of the imaginary friend is really misunderstood and people think it is rare and a concern but past studies have shown that around 65% of children aged between three and nine, had imaginary friends and the characters, rather than due to some internal malaise, appear to be an essential component of normal development.

Dr. Kidd has established in his research that the benefits of imaginary companions are long lasting - a study of university students showed that those who recalled having an imaginary companion in childhood were more creative, more achievement oriented, and more emotionally responsive than students who didn't have one.

However, there was no difference between any of the 44 children when it came to listening skills.

Dr. Kidd is a Research Fellow at La Trobe's School of Psychological Sciences.

The article is taken from :

http://www.news-medical.net/news/20090603/Imaginary-friends-help-children-learn.aspx

Sarah makes friends easily... (at 3+)

Sometimes I bring Sarah to school with me on Saturdays. When our CEFL English classes started some weeks ago, it wasn't just me and her (and sometimes daddy) in school but some other children were around too. They were early and while waiting for their class to start, they would be either reading some books or play with Sarah. The latter is something that Sarah looks forward to every week.

For a few weeks now, Sarah would tell me that she is waiting for her "friends" to come play. She especially looks forward to one of the "cheh-chehs". Two cheh-chehs aged 7 years old would play with her masak-masak. Incidentally last week, I heard her conversation with one of the girls after class, "You waiting for your mummy ar?" I turned and smiled at both of them. Sarah made friends easily and have also boldly strike up conversations with others. I knew for sure that my little girl will not have problems socializing when she goes to school one day.

She has passed her social and emotional development with distinction! Way to go, gal! :)

Toilet training - staying dry at night (Part 2)

Today is an achievement for my lil Sarah. She woke me up at 4.30am to tell me that she wants to "shee shee"! :)

I am soooooooooooo proud of her!

Last week, she stopped wearing diapers at night, but on both nights, she wet her mattress. And then, I sorta gave up, thinking maybe she's just not ready... I let her wear pull ups and told her to wake up when she needs to go. However, every morning, her pull ups is full of urine.... (and i mean really full!). We (or rather I) stopped letting her go to bed without diapers. I also did not wake up to my 2am alarm clock to wake her up for toilet visit... and well... what more lil Sarah when her mummy here is too darn lazy to wake up. I just have to admit that! :p

This morning... lo and behold... she woke me up instead. She really made me proud (especially when it is of her own attempt!)

Read previous post about toilet training.

On praying for parking...

Mummy & lil Sarah went to Jusco last Sunday... and as usual, the number of cars during weekends outnumbered the number of parking spaces available. Mummy told lil Sarah to pray to God for parking...

Sarah : Lord Jesus, I pray for parking in Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

Mummy : Amen!

Mummy drove 1-2 rounds and there still wasn't any parking... and of course, we never stopped talking in the car during the time. And the question about parking came about again.

Sarah : Why still no parking, Mummy?

Mummy : Sarah girl girl must pray harder for parking OK?

Sarah : Lord Jesus, I pray for parking... then can buy barbie doll dress... then can go kai kai... then can buy a lot of things. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!

Mummy : Amen! :)

English fries?

Mummy : Want to eat french fries later? Mummy buy french fries OK?

Sarah : I don't want french fries... I want English fries.

Mummy : English fries?

Sarah : Yes, what is English fries?

Mummy : I don't know... where did you learn that word?

Sarah : I don't know...

I really wonder where she learns this word "English fries", but it surely shows something about my little girl. She seemed to know that the word "French" is related to a "language" or a "country" perhaps? :)

Conversation with lil Sarah

Sarah : I got no energy, mummy....

Mummy : Why no energy? You didn't eat enough, right?

Sarah : Yes lor... I play only... Don't want to eat. Everyday play play play only.

Mummy : And then?

Sarah : And then, mummy scold lor... Daddy scold lor... Yeh Yeh scold lor... Nai Nai scold lor...

Mummy : And then?

Sarah : And then, I very naughty lor... Don't want to listen. Everyday play play play only.

Mummy says eat but I play play play only lor...

Mummy : Then why are you so naughty?

Sarah : I don't know (showing me the very innocent look, but that was really cute!)

Toilet training - staying dry at night

Well, it has been a while that lil Sarah has been toilet trained during the day, ie when she was 2+... however, it is only recently (this week) that I decided to try toilet training her during the night as well. I know that when I've decided on that, that would also mean me getting up of bed at night to check on her... and so, OK... I guess I am now ready to sacrifice some sleep since my work (for now) enables me to get more hours of sleep in the mornings.

Anyways, just to share some findings I have on this topic:

Taken from

http://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/bhcv2/bhcarticles.nsf/pages/Toilet_training_staying_dry_at_night

A child usually masters daytime toileting before they can keep their bed dry at night. Don’t be concerned if your toddler wets the bed, because most children under the age of five years still urinate in their sleep, and one in 10 younger primary school children do too.

Don’t assume that your child can keep their bed dry just because they can manage their toileting when they are awake. It might help to think of staying dry at night as completely separate to daytime toilet use.

How to tell when your child is ready
Leave your child in nappies until they are ready. Suggestions include:

• If your child wakes up every morning with a wet nappy, they’re not ready. If you take them out of night-time nappies, they will wet the bed.
• Keep your child in night-time nappies until most nappies are dry in the morning or until they are wet just before your child wakes. The nappy will be soaked and the urine warm.
• Your child may attempt to go to the toilet during the night or call out for your help.

Preparations for staying dry at night
Suggestions include:

• Make sure your child can manage to get out of bed and can easily remove their pyjamas. Encourage your child to practise pulling them up and down.
• Talk to your child about going to the toilet at night-time. Work out your procedure together. Will they go to the toilet themselves, use a potty in their bedroom or wake you up for help?
• You may need to talk about your chosen night-time toileting procedure a few times. For example, you might say: ‘Come into my bedroom and wake me up when you need to go to the toilet, and I’ll help you’.
• Put a waterproof mattress protector on their mattress.
• Make sure your child has easy access and vision to find the toilet at night.

Staying dry at night
Suggestions include:

• Make a trip to the toilet part of your child’s bedtime routine.
• Casually remind your child to get up in the night if they need to go to the toilet.
• If your child wakes up for any reason during the night, ask them if they want to go to the toilet before being tucked back into bed.
• Avoid pressuring your child. They’re keen to master toileting and anxious about disappointing you.
• If your child is dry in the morning, give gentle praise but don’t be concerned if they’re wet.
• Don’t get angry or frustrated at your child for wetting the bed. If the extra washing bothers you, buy pull-ups.
• Don’t punish your child for wetting the bed. They’re not doing it deliberately to annoy you. Be calmly reassuring, they need your guidence.

Approaches to avoid
Some approaches will only delay your attempts to help your child stay dry at night. Approaches to avoid include:

• Don’t criticise, humiliate or belittle your child for being a ‘baby’. Night-time bladder control is a process of maturation. All efforts, no matter how small, should be praised.
• Don’t punish your child by making them stay in their wet sheets or getting them to wash the soiled bed linen, for example. If your child is anxious, they are less likely to stay dry at night.
• Don’t deprive your child of fluids in the evening. Make sure they drink plenty during the day so that they are not very thirsty in the evening.
• Don’t talk about your child’s ‘problem’ to other people when the child is present, as this can make them feel ashamed and embarrassed.

When staying dry at night is difficult
If your child is finding it difficult to stay dry at night, some of these suggestions may help:

• Remember that it might take years for your child to reliably master night-time dryness. Don’t stress about it or compare your child’s efforts with other children who are apparently dry at night.
• If your child is scared of the dark, going to the toilet at night is an enormous challenge. Consider putting nightlights in the hallway. Think about leaving their door open for easy access.
• If they feel that trekking all the way to the toilet is still too daunting, you could put a potty in their bedroom.
• Make sure your child feels that it’s okay to wake you up in the night when they need to go to the toilet.
• If your child is becoming anxious or frustrated, take the pressure off. Forget about night-time toilet training for a while.

Drawing & Colouring Activities for Sarah

Sarah loves drawing and colouring. I can't tell yet if she likes one thing more than the other. However, I can see that at the moment, she enjoys all these activities and especially when she has someone accompanies her to do it. Whenever she's with us (daddy/mummy), she will give us a paper and a pencil and ask us to draw this and that... and of course, the ever-famous request is that we draw "Princess" for her.

These are some of her drawings:

This is a drawing of her family and friends... very tall people, ya?! :)

Cute eye-lashes... and ribbons on the necks too! :)

She uses round objects to trace as "faces".

She did this activity together with her cousins, Reanne & Ivan.

Doing things together can be one of the most effective ways of learning & it's not boring too!

She drew this on 23rd June, 2011.

And the very next day, she drew this. Looks like her princess' clothes have upgraded from plain to checkered patterns on them! Lovely! :)

These are some of her colourings:

When I came back from work, it caught me by surprise and I was totally amazed when I saw this piece of art - coloured by my (then) 32 months old girl!

She coloured the car beautifully and all within the lines. Great job, Sarah!

These are some of her other art work:

Check out the "make-up" that she puts on her barbie doll pic! :)

She's also learning to write her "name".

Can you see the "S", "A" and "R" somewhere on the paper? Hehe... :)

That's a picture of "Samson" from the Bible. A very colourful man indeed! Hehehe....

After story-telling by Uncle Joshua, the kids were given a colouring sheet of Samson each (hand-drawn by Aunty MJ :))