[Article] Teaching Kids To Share

Article by Dr. Albert Liau

Encourage your kids to share, but do not force them to.

A common concern that I’ve encountered with parents is that one of their children doesn’t want to share with his or her siblings. Mums are often unsure if they should insist on sharing because this could give the little ones an impression of favouritism. At the same time, they don’t want their children to develop an “everything is mine” kind of attitude.

Understanding the developmental stages to sharing

Around one to two years old, young children develop the language skills to mark their identity as a person. A child pointing to a soft toy and saying “Mine” or pulling a toy from another child is how he marks the possessions that make up his identity. This is an essential development that lays part of the foundation to forging his identity as an individual.

Language for social interaction with others will develop later, when children are about two to four years old. Let me just stress that being possessive is definitely not a sign that your child has the traits of a selfish person.

At this age, a child has yet to grasp the difference between ownership and possession. When you ask your child to lend a toy to another for five minutes, you might as well be asking him to do so for five years for all they know. Your child cannot tell the difference between lending and giving, and may not even understand the concept of time yet.

Some parents may confuse empathy with sharing. They can’t understand why sometimes the child “shares” and sometimes he doesn’t. When a child offers his favourite toy to a sibling who is crying, he may not be sharing but rather empathising with the distress of the other. He’s probably trying to provide comfort by offering his toy. Actions like this are to be encouraged as the ability to empathise is also one of the building blocks of emotional intelligence.

How do you get your kids to share?

The concept of sharing is an important lesson to teach children while they are still young. Keep in mind though that children won’t really share until they are three or four years old. Even then, the little ones won’t understand why sharing is important until they are at least four.

Always model behaviour you want your children to pick up. If you want them to share, then practise it in your daily life. You could also make it a point to show how to share. For example, pretend to lend a leaflet to your spouse. Explain to the child that you are sharing a book with daddy and that he will return it to you when he finishes reading it.

Another way to introduce the concept of sharing is to ask the child whether you could borrow his toy for a while. Pretend to play with the toy for a minute or two, and when you return it, praise the child for being kind enough to lend it to you. Even when the lending is done reluctantly, always give words of encouragement.

Encourage your kids to share, but do not force them to, or do their sharing for them. Do not simply take your child’s toy and pass it to another child without asking him for permission. After all, the toy belongs to him and you wouldn’t want him to take other people’s things without asking for permission either.

Parents should avoid violating a child’s feeling of ownership. A sense of entitlement is important to him and he will understandably be protective of his things. Rather, they should strive to cultivate the values of stewardship, respect for others and kindness. This will be a guiding force to steer the concept of ownership in a positive direction.

What parents can do

• Create a sharing environment. Make sharing a common practice in your home. Whether it’s between family members or even guests, make it seem like a natural practice for your family. For example, some families buy separate dinners for their maids when dining out. Children are keen observers and may get the wrong message that we should not share with certain people.
• Let them handle it. Don’t interject immediately when your kids are unwilling to share with each other. Give them room to talk, reason it out first and even reach a compromise. This way, they can experience first hand why they should share. Only when things get out of hand should you step in.
• An example of how you could help your children reach a compromise would be to gently convince one child to lend a toy to his brother or sister, but make it absolutely clear to him that it would only be for five minutes. Assure your child that once those five minutes are up, he’ll get his toy back. Likewise, make it clear to his sibling that he or she can only have the toy for those five minutes.
• Give them chances to cooperate. Working together will naturally build a stronger bond between siblings. This will encourage a sense of trust between them and make them more likely to share.

Things to watch out for:

• A clear sign that your child is not inclined towards sharing is when they get excessively angry whenever things do not go their way. Try to curb this sort of “mine” attitude.
• Watch out for when a child starts to exert control over his or her siblings. This sort of behaviour shows that they are inclined to get things their way, regardless of other people’s feelings.