I'm exhausted...

It has been madness for me for the past 3 days! 3 nights ago (wee hours of the morning actually), i slept at 4.30am. Baby Sarah has not been giving mummy a good sleep. She was super colicky i'd say. She was restless, only able to take a 5 minute "nap" in between hours and thereafter starts her night activity of crying. It started from 7pm until 4.30am. I was really feeling helpless at that time. I did everything i could and just hoped she would sleep but nothing seemed to work. My family helped in taking care of her while the hours are still early so i could take my bath, my dinner, and do some other stuff. After that, i'm all alone. My prayer seemed to be left unanswered too... :( I don't know what God's telling me this time, but i was really feeling helpless, set aside being exhausted...

And then, 2 nights ago, she did the same thing. It seemed like a routine for me and her to sleep so "early" everyday! But it was a little better because we slept a little from 12mn until 2am and she was then awake until 4.30am. I couldnt sleep after that - i guess due to over-exhaustion, so i did some reading till 5+.

Last night was the ultimate for me! We both slept at 5.30am, and my patience had reached the ultimate! I was totally exhausted from the inside out - physically, mentally, emotionally, etc. My knees were feeling super painful. Not sure why, but probably due to walking up and down the stairs too much + carrying a heavy load almost at all times. That alone had caused much difficulty for me to take care of baby, ie especially to go "jalan-jalan" around the room so as to make her sleep. I wanted to wake my mum up (that was already 5am) so that i could leave baby with her and so that i could catch some sleep. I went to mum's room, saw her sleeping so soundly and giving it a 2nd thought, i decided to "try" putting baby to sleep once again. I was surprised by the thoughts that were haunting me! Thoughts like bang her head to the wall so she will be quiet or throw her down the stairs or put her in a basket and leave it at the door of an unknown, etc! I was almost going insane! Worst thing... I was thinking like a murderer! In fact, i was already a murderer in my mind. Guilty as charged! :'( I do not know how to calm her down, and i allowed that to affect me all over. The mind is the processing centre of all actions and it's like being attacked by a virus, making me think of the most -ve of all things. I felt really really helpless and alone at that time. I know God was with me but for a moment there, He seemed so far away... I know i cant do this alone and i'm really looking forward to hubby's arrival tonight. But again, a thousand apologies to the innocent one. Again, i failed to love her the way i should. I cried as i was carrying her last night (this morning i mean). It was a mixed feeling of anger, tiredness, sadness, helplessness, etc etc. I looked at her in the eyes, hoping that i can help her in all her discomfort. If only i knew....

Dear Father in Heaven, please help me to be a better mother to baby Sarah. I need a lot more patience to take care of her, esp when she becomes colicky at night. Forgive me for allowing -ve thoughts to visit me during this time and i thank You for giving me the will-power to not entertain them and making it a reality. Being a mother is not easy and all the more i know i need You to guide me in this role. Lord, i uphold baby Sarah into Your loving hands. Grant her good rest, good sleep, good dreams at all times. Take away every discomfort that steal away her rest. Give her good rest so that her mummy and daddy can get good rest too - In Jesus' name i pray, Amen!